In Sydney’s absence, Vivian Callous signed the match. The rules were simple. TV Turmoil, each pair of ladies would function as a tag team, however the lady that scores the pinfall gets the title.
LIWA CEO, Peaches Keane, appointed Princess to supervise both Sydney and Vivian. So, in flexing a little muscle, Princess revised Vivian’s stipulations. Should Princess score the pinfall, Irena would still win the title.
TELEVISION TURMOIL MATCH
PRINCESS, IRENA MALENAKOVA
EVA RODRIGUEZ AND JOANIE STORM
Mae : Aw Jeez, the rosters bloated again? That means HUNDREDS of names to remember... and shoe sizes!
Moolah : ...Unless they wrestle barefoot.
Irena methodically walks towards the ring, staring straight into it –– visualizing the match perhaps?
Mae : ...and THEN I hafta remember who's all got what power round here... Is li'l Nosferatu allowed to add stips?
She ascends the cold REEL STEEL™™ steps, and steps into the ring as her music fades into ““Line 'Em Up””, and her partner, ““Princess”” Trisha Long saunters out, heading down the ramp...
Moolah : Uhhh... we got something in the back, I'm hearing...
Mae : Like what? A case of vagueness?
Moolah : No! Shut u- er, Helga, take it from here...
Zzzzzzzzip, straight to the back, outside a locker room, where Helga just about manages to stay in the slightly shaky shot, while shouting and pounding on the door can be heard, muffled o' course, from inside.
Helga : Um, thanks Moolah, we're outside the locker room of Joanie Storm amongst others. I was hoping to grab a quick pre-match interview, but Brandy Cannondale just came from nowhere-
Mae : -that the one in Alabama?
Helga : -and charged the room, just seconds ago... ACK!
The camera spins to show Eva Rodriguez charging the door, obviously having either caught sight of the incident for real, or just on a monitor, I dunno –– ask her. The door springs open, and we see Eva, lying on t he floor clutching her knee, beside Brandy, who's trying to get up.
Helga : There's Eva too!
Mae : ...or is it the one in Nebraska?
Eva helps her partner up, and out of the room. Brandy barges in again, knocking the three of them, including Helga over.
Helga : Ooof!
Eva grabs at Brandy, from the floor, and swings, connecting with a forearm, then another. Finally, she rams the assailant into the wall, and helps Joanie back up again, on their way to the ring. Eventually.
Helga : picking herself back up I think, er, back to you guys...
Mae : I think there's a Nowhere out in Ontario, maybe.
Moolah : Um, thanks Helga... Helga Amazon, being half-killed for a story.
Mae : Serves her right for not telling me which Nowhere. What about New Mexico?
Moolah : ignoring her As far as I can hear over the headset, the match is still on... it might be-
Dun dun dunnnn! It's not changed, folks, as Christina Aguilera's ““Fighter”” breaks out, and Eva Rodriguez appears, with Joanie Storm by her side, limping slightly. They both head down the ramp –– sharing entrances speeds things up quicker, as the opposition look on.
Moolah : Clearly, it's still going ahead now!
The Femmes ascend the steps, Joanie first, and quite slowly, taking up her position on the apron as Eva enters the ring. Referee ““Dangerous”” Danielle Davis receives the TV Title, holding it aloft to make sure everyone knows what the match is all about.
Moolah : Are we ready...? I think we are.
Mae : I'm not. I need to know where Nowhere is, exactly...
Shut up about Nowhere, Mae.
¡¡ding ding!
Predictably, they tie up. Slightly less predictably, Irena uses her height to gain an advantage off it, and hammerlocks one of her challengers, shunting her toward the rope. She comes off, into a forearm that staggers her back a few steps, then another. And another.
Moolah : Irena's looking strong to retain right out of the starting gate
Mae : Gate? Where?
Moolah : The metaphorical home of metaphors, Nowhere(!)
Irena adds a snap mare, then chinlocks Rodriguez, reaching out to make an early tag to Princess, who comes in and uses the five count to stomp at Eva before taking over, whipping her to the ropes –– She ducks her head for a back body drop and takes the traditional kick to the face.
Moolah : Ouch!
Mae : That's what happens when you try the clichééd spots
Eva takes over with some choice, fierce knife-edge chops, eliciting the crowd ““WOOOOO!”” Of incessant Flairdom. They seem cooperative, unusually for when I'm writing matches.
Mae : WOOOO~! Wait, are there any Nowheres in the Carolinas?
She tries to whip Princess, but that's reversed, only for Eva to come back with a flying double forearm, before she scoops up the downed former Tag-champion. Taking a brief second to regain her breath, then leaping into a nice spinning neckbreaker.
Moolah : Spinning neckbreaker there, and no early cover! I think there's a new strategy evolving in the LIWA.
Mae : Strategy? Bah! Not making the early cover because they fail is COMMON SENSE... Now where's my atlas gone?
Moolah : Atlas?
Mae : To solve the mystery of Nowhere...
Eva pulls Princess to her feet, while Irena looks on, waiting for the outside chance of a tag to emerge. Eva whips Princess to the turnbuckle, diving in with a nice back elbow to reinforce the point, before she wrings the arm and makes the traditional tag from the position.
Moolah : Now she lets Joanie into the match... And I must say, it's been quite quiet for TV Turmoil...
Mae : Well, there's only three who can win the strap off this, and a DQ won't help Irena. Of course, if it were Nowhere rules... I'd know where the hell Nowhere was...
Joanie comes in and uses the right leg to give a kick to the gut before dropping Princess with a straight DDT before making the dreaded first cover of the match. Irena quickly dives into the ring, as Eva stops exiting to head back in.
Moolah : One... Two-No! First cover fails, and it's gonna be Bo-...
Irena stomps at Joanie, and Eva lashes out at the Russian.
Mae : Don't say it...
Moolah : Bon-
Mae : Ah-ah-ah! No using Scott Keith stuff...
Irena swings back, and Joanie gets caught up in the brawl, trying to help her tag partner and stablemate. Princess gets back up and tries to help her own partner in the brawl.
Moolah : I can't help it... It's BONZO GONZO!
Mae : Aw, JEEZ(!)
OUR referee is pretty powerless to stop the brawl, threats of a five count falling on deaf ears. Princess is knocked flying to the mat, allowing the Femmes to double team Irena.
Moolah : It's outta control!
Mae : Relax, it's just a tag team brawl. It'll be back to normal soonish...
Forearms in tandem work Irena over, as she tries to cover up. Princess rolls back to her feet, and goes for a low dropkick, catching the knee of Joanie, felling her. She gets back up and, along with the TV Champ, double teams Eva, whipping her to the ropes for a double block. Irena calmly steps out to her own corner, as Princess turn back to the legal Joanie Storm, on he mat holding her injured left knee.
Mae : See? Almost there now... Ouchee!
Prinny drops an elbow to the knee, then gets back up. Irena calls out for the tag, but she shakes her head, grabbing Joanie up and piledriving her to the mat, before mounting that good old second rope.
Mae : ...aaaaaaaaaand we're clear, back to the tag format.
Moolah : And up to the skies...
Mae : Yeah, like the second rope'll give you vertigo(!)
Princess takes off, landing a neat little elbow to Joanie Storm. Eva Rodriguez charges into the ring again, and meets Princess as she rises with a big clothesline. Referee Davis steps in front of her after, and attempts to shift her back to her corner.
Moolah : And Princess goes back down –– Irena's wanting the tag, and she's wanting it NOW!
Princess rolls over, slowly getting back up, as Joanie slowly begins to crawl towards her own corner, despite the hurt knee. In the Champs' corner, Irena reaches over, trying to get the tag.
Mae : Double Tag, house is cleaned, BAM! Pinfall, commercials, then I find out from someone where the hell Nowhere actually is... Guaranteed.
No ten count, as Princess gets to her knees, then her feet as Joanie gets back up, turning to face her corner –– a German Suplex, bridged, halts that.
Moolah : Yowsers... One! Two! No! Breaks free, and that's the second cover of the match...
Mae : Almost a retention –– we've got uneven teams... Irena's keeping the strap even if Princess wins it...
Irena reaches out for the tag again, and Princess holds her hand up, as if to say 'hold on', then goes back to Joanie, grabbing the knee and wrenching it, causing her to scream out.
Moolah : Now back to the knee...
Mae : Smell the Pah-Sychology!
Moolah : What psychology?
Mae : The knee! THE KNEE!
Moolah : Mmhmmm...
Joanie reaches out, flailing. Eva steps between the ropes, Danielle paying attention to the wrenched hold, almost like an Ankle Lock, to the knee.
Moolah : Say, didn't Lilith use something like that way back?
Mae : Way back? A few months, Moo- Look out! Here comes Eva!
Eva jumps in, stomping at Princess, breaking the hold. Irena storms into the ring, evening up the numbers, as Princess rolls away from the action. Davis is a bit quicker to get between them to cause a halt to the illegal-ness of them being there.
Moolah : And again, it's-...
Mae : It'll clear up in a minute!
Princess gets back up and launches herself at Eva with a spear that half connects, sending her to the mat. Irena slowly retires to her corner, hoping to get the tag.
Mae : See? Always does...
Princess gets back up, and decides to see if she can nab a quick cover on Joanie rather than tagging the champ in.
Moolah : One... Two-No... Not even two!
Yup, Eva breaks it up before being warned again, and slowly retreats. Irena yells out for the tag as Princess rolls over, onto all-fours. Joanie starts to drag herself along the bottom two ropes towards her corner... But Princess makes her tag first, and Irena vaults the top rope, just as Joanie stretches to *JUST* tag Eva Rodriguez in.
Moolah : Bingo! It's on again!
The two fresher participants trade forearms, fists –– both open and closed –– knowing that this is the advantage that'll probably win the match... Irena wins it, going to an arm-wringer, with added kicks to the abdomen.
Moolah : The legs! Yes! Using the long legs to gain an advantage...
Eva makes her escape by rolling forward, flipping out of the wringer, and flipping Irena to the mat. She drags her up, whipping her before she's balanced, and uses a spinnign heel kick to take her down
Moolah : Okay, so maybe not then...
Irena springs back up, and tries to come back –– but only succeeds in eating up a cross body block.
Mae : Haha! She's got her!
Moolah : One... Two... NO! Nearly almost kinda new champ there!
Eva rolls back up, quickly, and Irena slowly draws herself back up. Eva steps in, ducking the clothesline and rolling her taller opponent up with a crucifix...
Moolah : Again! One... Two... NO! Just the two, and when did you last see a crucifix in regular use?
Irena rolls herself out, and yells to Princess to tag in. Or something. Eva rolls back up, and uses the second rope to launch a dropkick at Irena, knocking her across the ring, and crucially, towards Princess in the corner. Eva goes to a half crab to try and hold her at bay.
Moolah : Now she's trying to keep Irena in the middle of that ring, I think, rather than the submission.
Mae : Still, it's a crab... and CRABS HURT! Trust me on that...
Eva wrenches back, trying to get momentum in two directions –– on the back, and in the opposite direction to keep Irena from inching closer to Princess in the corner. Of course, the long limbs help her reach a bit, but not enough. Dejected, she flops to the mat, hoping for another way out –– Eva uses this to drag her nearer the Femmes' corner.
Moolah : No... No Tag!
Mae : Nowhere near!
Eva feels the hold is slipping, and so switches to an STF, just about hooking the hold into the larger Russian –– Second Biggest TV Champ ever.
Moolah : And she's being secured in the middle of that ring there...
Joanie mounts the first rope, leaning and asking for a tag. Eva keeps the hold on, pulling and stretching, even though the submission looks doubtful.
Moolah : Still restraining her... but then what?
Mae : I dunno... BOOZE~?
Eva breaks the hold, dashing Irena's head on the mat, getting up and retreating to make a tag to Joanie. As she does so, Princess vaults the top rope, almost tripping, but barging in to even the numbers up, if so illegally.
Mae : Hey! Get her out of there! Or something!
The Femmes lay the old boots to Irena before Princess interrupts, diving into both of them. Irena slowly gets to all-fours, not dead yet obviously, as Princess ignores the verbal warnings. Eva is first of the heels up, and charges across at the waitinf Princess who backs up towards the ropes.
Moolah : Spear By Golly! Into the ropes... I think they're tangled...
Irena gets back to her feet, as does Joanie, while the other two fall from the ring, brawling while trying to get out of the ring ropes. Joanie ducks a rising clothesline from Malenakova, and rebounds from the ropes for Irena to reverse the situation. She comes again... but her knee is clipped by the larger Russian.
Moolah : Bam! That was the damaged knee!
Mae : Mysteriously hurt... and damaged somehow... Ooooo.
Moolah : We covered that in the beginning. With Helga...
Mae : She never did tell me where Nowhere was, now...
Irena gets back to her feet while Princess and Eva brawl outside. Joanie's legs are crossed, Russian foot stuck between, then the back arched. Can you tell what it is yet? Wrists are grabbed, and a sideways roll lands Joanie on the mat, not looking too happy, as you would. Irena arches herself forwards, applying pressure and causing her to yell out.
Mae : Tangleosity!
Moolah : I think-... That's the Russian Winter... the knee!
Joanie yells again, and the other two int he match continue to brawl. Both Joanie's shoulders are on the mat, so...
Moolah : Shoulders down! One... Two... No!
She gets one up, gritting her teeth under the pain.
Moolah : Again! One... Two... Th-NO! Shoulder again!
Joanie yells out again, louder and seemingly in more pain than before.
Moolah : Once more! One... Two... Thre-NO! Just... JUST in time!
She concentrates on keeping her shoulders up, yelling in pain. Princess and Eva take turns driving each other to the ring post, as Joanie drops the shoulder, lifts it, then drops it for another nanosecond, shaking her head... and tapping.
Moolah : The pain was too much! She tapped...
¡¡ding ding!
Mae : The knee... can you smell the revenge?
Cue ““Empire”” once more as Princess and Eva are STILL brawling. Irena lets up the hold and slowly returns to her lofty standing position when t he belt arrives
Your winner, and STILL Television Champion, Irena Malenakova!
Moolah : Whatever happened in that locker room, it wasn't pretty...
Princess and Eva STILL brawl at the bottom of the ramp
¡¡ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding!
Joanie still lies there, as the brawl finally breaks up... we think. Yeah, it does. Definitely.
Moolah: Brandy took out Joanie and assured Irena the victory. Up next we have-
*SKKKZZZT!* The J-Cam suddenly leaps to life, right back behind the curtain, where Vivian is awaiting the return of the Violent Femmes. Eva, helping Joanie, comes to the back, and she and Vivian exchange stares.
Vivian: I give you free reign to do what you want. And in return, I don't ask much. And yet, I hear that Ms. Sydney is back here, talking to all the women.
Eva: Look, we have problems of our own, Viv. Namely that Brandy 'ho. I want a piece of her so bad now-
Vivian: Patience, Eva...is a virtue. Now. Let's get Storm attended to.
And the J-Cam suddenly cuts off into static.
***COMMERCIAL BREAK***
LIWA TELEVISION TITLE
Moolah : TV Turmoil makes a dramatic RETURN to Diva Day!